Summary
To be present is like offering a gift to yourself or to someone else. We cannot offer what we do not have. Presence is a resource with limitations. Social connection is important to our mental wellbeing. Being present is a component of establishing social connection. We choose to be present. Consider how you feel when someone is not fully present for you. Offer your presence only to the extent that you can: do not offer to be present when you cannot follow through with the commitment.
Mental Wellbeing and Presence
Have you ever noticed your mind wandering? Time elapses without your awareness. Suddenly, you realize you have lost time. Lost time equals time during which you were not present.
Not present for lunch. Not present for the mail carrier. Not present to your emotions.
Your mental wellbeing depends on you being present.
What did we say you lost? Your mind or your time?
Present in the Here and Now
Being present in the here and now is essential for pursuing life’s activities. The here and now is the only element of time we can grasp. In fact, we may be a half second behind the here-and-now. Though our hands do not wrap around time, we act in our lives in the here-and-now.
We do not act in the past. We do not act in the future.
Thus, the here and now is all we can call upon in terms of time on our hands, time in an account of sorts, time that we can expend. And, then, elapsed time disappears forever.
Harnessing Presence for Mental Wellbeing
When I am present with friends, I share a part of my life with them. If I am truly present.
Why would I not be truly present?
Recall an occasion which requested your presence. I am choosing my words carefully. Take note.
Let’s say the occasion requesting your attendance was the wedding of a family member or the celebration of a friend’s passing to the next dimension (commonly known as their death!). You had a bunch of other events scheduled for that date. You felt obligated to attend these activities.
Once you decided to attend the activities, were you fully present?
What was your emotional experience of those events? Perhaps you felt preoccupied or anxious about making it to the next event or tired while running from one event to another or resentful of spending your time traveling between events.
The question remains, were you fully present at any of the events? If not, was your physical visit to the event worthwhile, either for you or for your friend or family member?
I hear you saying that you had no choice. In the vernacular, that is pure BS.
We always have a choice.
Choose to Be Present
Choices are a function of free will. Free will is a fallacy given that circumstances and other constraints in our lives limit our options. Humour me, a moment. Espouse the existence of free will from the perspective of having choices. Human beings have free will. We selectively exercise that free will. We allow ourselves to be constrained by socially constructed expectations. That, too, is a choice. Those norms are fabricated by human beings and inserted into society, weighty with the power of the term “social norms”. But, they are mere figments of our imagination.
A social norm holds power over us only because we grant it that power. Not because it inherently holds power, like gravity which is a law of physics.
Mental Wellbeing Depends on Interconnectedness
In previous posts, we explored social connectedness and its intersection with mental wellbeing.
The research demonstrates the integrality of social connectedness to mental wellbeing. Social connectedness requires our presence in the connection with another human being. Do you think that being half present or semi-present counts?
I think not.
If your partial presence at a social activity is not healthy for you, how is it beneficial to the other party involved?
Consider how the synchrony between the brains of two people can benefit your interactions and relationships. Presented by Andrew Cooper-Sansone as part of his podcast, Sense of Mind, The Secret to Deeper Conversations: Inter-Brain Synchrony, is an enlightening video demonstrating how we can better connect to each other:
While the following article offers a superficial perspective on presence, the information may be an appetizer for you to explore options for developing presence and appreciating the benefits of being present in all of your social interactions:
Why being present is a mind-body exercise you should practice more
https://www.cnn.com/2023/12/19/health/how-to-be-present-wellness/index.html
Being Fully Present: Mental Wellbeing and Presence
The next time you are called to a social event, pause before committing to the event. Once you have committed to the event, if another event emerges, prioritize the events. Weigh how much presence you can offer to other people on a given day.
That’s making a choice.
Choosing wisely constitutes deciding for your health or against your health. And, it constitutes arming yourself to be fully present for others. Just as you may wish them to be fully present for you.
Selecting where and when you share yourself, spread your energy, extend your time, reflects the willingness to act responsibly with the resources at your disposal.
Take a listen to episode 40 of the podcast, The Social Brain, presented by Andrew Cooper-Sansone and Taylor Guthrie, entitled Where is NOW in the Brain? The Neuroscience of Time. Guthrie and Cooper-Sansone explain how complex time is registered in our brains and how we perceive time:
Mental Wellbeing and Presence
Mental wellbeing is a composite term integrating the emotional and cognitive wellbeing of a person. I envision my mental wellbeing encompassing more than my emotional and cognitive (relating to thoughts) wellbeing. My mental wellbeing incorporates emotions, mind (thoughts and consciousness), spirit (definition up to you), soul (define as you see fit), and body. As the responsible caretaker of my body, soul, spirit, mind, and emotions, I evaluate my resources and distribute them in my relationships according to the inventory I have compiled.
You would not give away food you do not have, would you?
You do not share money that is not available to you, do you?
You cannot offer gifts that you have not purchased, can you?
So, why would you or anyone presume to be able to be present when you do not have an infinite amount of presence available for the giving?
Call to Action: Present in the Here and Now for Mental Wellbeing
Practice restraint in making commitments based on social norms.
Choose wisely by giving your time and presence according to your resources.
Adopt the habit of putting yourself in another’s shoes: consider how you would feel if someone were half present in your relationship with them.
Placing yourself in a situation in which you cannot be fully present is neither useful nor kind to yourself or to the other party.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be present in all you do.
The last I checked, only the here and now is for certain. The past is gone and the future is not promised. Today is the present we can give ourselves and of ourselves to others.
Selected References:
Andrew Cooper-Sansone. (October 6, 2023). The Secret to Deeper Conversations: Inter-Brain Synchrony. Sense of Mind. Accessed on May 31, 2024, at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TddFhY4IVkQ
Taylor Guthrie and Andrew Cooper-Sansone. (June 10, 2024). Where is NOW in the brain? The Neuroscience of Time. The Social Brain. Accessed online on June 10, 2024, at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mDuC0kX2jg
Santas, D. (December 19, 2023). Why being present is a mind-body exercise you should practice more. CNN. Accessed online on June 11, 2024, at https://www.cnn.com/2023/12/19/health/how-to-be-present-wellness/index.html
Disclaimer: The content of this post is not meant to substitute for a consultation with your healthcare team.
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